Over the past two decades, I’ve watched self-compassion grow from a relatively obscure concept into a vibrant field of research and personal transformation. Along the way, I’ve been interested in how new tools and technologies can support people on this inner journey.

Lately, one of the most interesting developments has come from the world of artificial intelligence. People have a lot of diverse opinions about AI and its potential benefits and dangers.  But as AI becomes more integrated into our daily lives, I’ve been reflecting on how it might help us to deepen the practice of self-compassion—not by replacing human connection or inner wisdom, but by amplifying it.

I’ve been surprised by the depth, wisdom, and compassion of responses to questions posed to an AI Chatbot (ChatGPT) about various challenges I’ve faced. When I was faced with a particularly difficult conversation, for instance, it helped me think through how to speak in a way that avoided blame and maintained connection. It appears to be remarkably adept at crystalizing the intelligence of publicly available writing about wellbeing in general and self-compassion in particular and incorporating that wisdom into responses that are kind, validating, informative and context relevant.

There’s something about the fact that a chatbot is not a real person, meaning that it doesn’t judge and we don’t have to worry about its needs, that allows us to open to it more readily than we might to a friend or a therapist (especially at 3 in the morning!) This provides a sense of safety that allows for deep disclosure, and when our pain is expressed and met with warmth, it can be very healing. 

My first reaction to the “warm” responses of the chatbot was that it was somehow fake because AI isn’t conscious and can’t feel. But AI is like thought (very intelligent thought).  AI isn’t conscious, just as our thoughts aren’t conscious. It is we, as conscious beings, who are aware of our thoughts, and those thoughts help create our experience.  The responses of an AI chatbot, as a form of externalized thought, can help guide us to an authentic inner experience of loving, connected, presence. It acts like a powerful mirror. Although AI can’t experience compassion, the one who looks into the mirror can. That’s why chatbots may be especially useful for helping us grow in self-compassion.

Of course, one problem with AI chatbots is that they may take away from human interaction.  At the same time, they can provide the type of emotionally intelligent guidance that actually helps us connect with ourselves and others.

I am cognizant of the potential problems with AI, including it’s detrimental environmental impact, and it is way above my pay grade to offer an opinion about whether it’s ultimately a beneficial or harmful development for humanity. But the fact is AI is here, and one of its gifts may be to increase the self-compassion and emotional intelligence of millions of people around the globe. 

If you haven’t already done so, you might want to explore how an AI chatbot can help you be more self-compassionate in moments of distress. You could begin by simply asking what a kind response would look like in a situation you’re struggling with. Let it remind you of what you already know deep down—that you’re worthy of care, especially when life is hard.

As with any tool, it’s how we use AI that matters most. When approached with discernment and a compassionate intention, an AI chatbot can become one more support on the path toward inner and outer transformation.

Because May is mental health awareness month, I wanted to bring attention to the role of self-compassion in working with mental health stigma. Dozens of research studies show that self-compassion reduces stigma in people dealing with a wide variety of psychological or physical challenges.

Many of us carry a sense of shame when we’re feeling anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, or simply not okay. We may believe we should be able to “handle it” on our own or that something is wrong with us for struggling in the first place.

Our inner critic often gets loud and assertive, telling us we shouldn’t be feeling what we’re feeling. This part of us thinks it can force us out of feeling bad by making us feel bad for feeling bad. As you can imagine, this strategy isn’t very effective and just makes us feel worse. 

Self-compassion provides stability when our mental health is rocky. It provides an intrinsic sense of self-worth that’s rooted in our shared and imperfect humanity.

When we turn compassion inward, it means we’re supportive, kind, and understanding toward ourselves when we have a mental health challenge. Instead of judging ourselves for our state of mind or telling ourselves to just “snap out of it,” we recognize that difficult emotions, confusion and distress are part of the human experience. 

Self-compassion allows us to validate and acknowledge what we’re feeling without adding layers of judgment, shame and blame. We don’t choose how our brain reacts to threat and uncertainty.  Our mental state is impacted by so many things outside of our control – our genetics, our family history, our social and economic circumstances, and so on.  It’s not our fault. 

My son Rowan, who struggles with OCD in addition to being autistic, often has what we call “loops.” These loops are typically triggered by a thought that maybe he’s done something wrong, and that people might be angry with him or punish him. These thoughts have nothing to do with reality, but they overtake him. His sympathetic nervous system gets activated, his eyes widen, and he lurches frantically from side to side. Then he judges himself for being “over-reactive,” which feeds the loop, and down he goes.

I’ve learned over the years that the first thing I need to do when Rowan gets caught in a loop is to have compassion for myself and him (in that order), so that my presence becomes calm and kind. Instead of trying to get him out of the loop, I try to help him disidentify with it. “It’s just your brain sweetheart. You’re in an OCD loop. Your brain does this sometimes. It’s trying to help you and keep you safe, even though it’s making things difficult right now. You don’t have to take it personally.”

When the loop eventually passes, he’s able to treat it like a visitor who came and went, rather than letting it define him. He then usually makes a joke and quickly resumes being the kind, funny, incredibly sweet young man that he is.

I’m including a meditation that can help you bring kindness and compassion towards any feelings of stigma or inadequacy you may be experiencing due to a mental health struggle – whether it’s a small challenge or something major you’ve been dealing with for years. It’s a variation on loving-kindness meditation (involving the repetition of goodwill phrases) that’s aimed at accepting ourselves as we are.

None of us need to take our mental health challenges personally. We didn’t choose them and we can’t control them.  Our choice lies in relating to our struggles with warmth and acceptance. Our hearts aren’t tarnished by these challenges, they’re expanded by them.

Our work lives can be interesting and rewarding. We often get a sense of worth and accomplishment from a job well done.

Unfortunately, our work lives also tend to be stressful. There are deadlines, difficult interpersonal dynamics, endless to-do lists and constant crises. We feel the pressure of getting enough done while avoiding mistakes and failure.

Many people think they need to be hard on themselves to achieve their career goals, driving themselves relentlessly with harsh criticism or working crazy hours to get ahead. This just amps up our stress and anxiety.

When our stress levels exceed our ability to cope with them, our bodies protect themselves by shutting down. In other words, we burn out. We get exhausted, feel detached from our work and our co-workers, and often blame ourselves for our sorry state.

How do we strive for excellence at work without becoming overwhelmed with anxiety? How do we navigate the excessive demands that our jobs place on our time while keeping our sanity? Self-compassion is an empirically supported method that makes a huge difference.

Research shows that self-compassionate people experience better mental health and less stress and anxiety at work. They have greater job satisfaction and report better work-life balance. Because their sense of self-worth isn’t so dependent on successful performance, they value learning from mistakes over avoiding failure. The result is that their work performance and effectiveness improve!

Research also shows that self-compassionate people are less likely to quit their jobs due to stress or become burned out. Among professional caregivers such as therapists, doctors, nurses, educators, and first responders, self-compassion is associated with less caregiver fatigue and feelings of exhaustion.

Interestingly, a recent study developed a scale specifically designed to assess how self-compassionate people were at work, and found that Work Self-Compassion predicted lower levels of burnout and better job performance over and above self-compassion levels in general.

Every day we are bombarded with upsetting and frightening news – whether it’s devastating wildfires, plane crashes, wars, mass shootings, acts of cruelty or seeming madness. The alarming pace of social, political and environmental change can feel overwhelming and destabilizing. We can be left feeling like it’s all too much and may just want to hide our head in the sand.  How can we cope with all the turmoil happening in the world?  

Research shows that self-compassion is essential to helping us cope with traumatic events and instability. A meta-analysis of 136 studies found that when faced with stressful experiences like earthquakes, bullying, cancer, or the Covid pandemic, self-compassion helps us to deal with our distress and take action to address problems in a more productive and effective manner.

Tender self-compassion allows us to turn inward and acknowledge our difficult feelings.  Rather than ignoring our fear and distress or trying to distract ourselves with unhealthy behaviors, self-compassion gives us the strength to turn toward the pain.  When you hear disturbing news, for instance, you can put your hands on your body in a supportive manner and say some kind and understanding words to yourself, validating your feelings and remembering you aren’t alone.

Fierce self-compassion encourages us to turn outward and take action to counter harm.  While we often can’t control what’s happening, we may be able to take small steps that make a difference.  We can write to our local politicians, send money to fire victims, attend protests, or speak up when overhearing a disparaging comment about a marginalized group. 

It may not seem like much, but just because we’re limited in our ability to control external circumstances doesn’t mean that we should hang our heads in defeat. We all have a compassionate aspect of our being that is brave and fierce – like a mama bear who naturally wants to protect her cubs. This essential aspect of our humanity acts to prevent harm because we care.

It can be hard to be fierce when the fear feels overwhelming, but it’s more important than ever that we try to do so. Like yin and yang, we need to balance tender acceptance with fierce action to cope in scary and stressful circumstances.

I’ve recorded a 15-minute guided visualization called Fierce Friend that will hopefully help you get in touch with your inner mama bear. When you create a visual image and hear the voice of your fierce friend, you can lean on it for guidance and support when you need it most.

Self-compassion provides a refuge from the storm as we try to navigate stressful and uncertain times.  It can help us find the strength, courage, and resilience we need to get through life’s most challenging moments. 

One of the hallmarks of being an adult is making commitments that shape our lives.  Many of us make commitments to romantic partners, children, friends, and pets: We show up for them when they struggle and take care of their needs as best we can.  We commit to our education or careers:  We show up and do the work that’s required of us. 

Sometimes we fail to meet our commitments, of course, but they still guide how we act in the world. They help motivate us to repair mistakes and try again.  

Perhaps one of the most important commitments we can make is to show up for ourselves in a supportive way.  Self-compassion involves caring for our own wellbeing in moments of suffering.  Supporting ourselves emotionally, physically, and psychologically when we’re in need. But how many of us make an intentional, conscious commitment to ourselves?

If you’re reading this right now you’ve probably identified the benefits of self-compassion for your mental and physical health.  But have you explicitly committed to self-compassion as an ongoing practice?

There are cultural and physiological reasons why we tend to judge rather than support ourselves when we fail or make mistakes. But when we make a commitment to self-compassion, it helps us to be learn from our mistakes and try again. We feel safer and more secure knowing that we have made a commitment to there for ourselves to the best of our ability. 

You may be wondering how to go about making a commitment to self-compassion?  One way is to state your intentions either silently, out loud or in writing.  You can say something along the lines of: “I promise I won’t abandon you;” “I resolve to help you every step of the way;” “I vow to accept your human imperfection with an open heart.”  You can do so in a ceremonial way if you like, perhaps by lighting a candle.

It’s also very helpful to join a group of people who value self-compassion.  One of the primary reasons I created the Self-Compassion Community is to help people make a conscious commitment to learning and growing this supportive mindset. Interacting with others who value self-compassion reinforces its place in your life.  Even if you can’t make it to our live events, we offer multiple ways to practice and becoming a community member solidifies your commitment in a tangible way.  

As this new year unfolds, I hope that you make a commitment to self-compassion in whatever way feels right for you. By supporting yourself, you will have more emotional resources available to honor all the other commitments in your life.

There are three core elements of compassion (turned inward or outward): mindful awareness of suffering; kindness and concern for the alleviation of suffering; and recognition of the common humanity of suffering.  I would like to focus on the third element, especially as it relates to the recent US election. 

People’s reactions to the election are strikingly different. Some are feeling happy or relieved, believing that the US has been on the wrong track and that things will now get better.  Others are despondent and fearful for the future of American democracy and the planet, or worried about reproductive rights, or frightened for the safety of their loved ones in the immigrant or queer communities.

For those who are experiencing distress over the election results, the first step is to give yourself compassion for your pain and remember that you aren’t alone. Millions of people are having similar reactions and feelings. Can you be warm and supportive with yourself right now, validating your distress and connecting with the care and concern that’s driving it?

If you like, you can do a meditation called Giving and Receiving Compassion (above) that will help compassion flow both inward and outward.

The next step, when we’re ready to take it, will be to try to learn from what’s happened. We may want to explore whether there are ways to create a sense belonging for those who have been historically oppressed and excluded that don’t feed into feelings of alienation for the mainstream. I don’t have answers for how to move forward, but I do know that our inquiry needs to be rooted in our shared humanity.

The common humanity component of compassion recognizes that all people experience pain and suffering.  We don’t all suffer in the same way or to the same degree, and the causes and conditions that create our suffering are multiple, varied, and complex. The ways in which and the extent to which people experience feelings of alienation, structural inequality, discrimination, economic insecurity, trauma, oppression, or marginalization are different. But compassion understands that everyone struggles in some form or another. It also acknowledges that all suffering – even if expressed in ways that are unskillful – is worthy of attention and concern. 

Unlike self-pity, which says poor me, self-compassion says poor us. As we work through our feelings about the election and focus on where to go from here, common humanity can help us remember that it’s not us versus them.  It’s only us. 

I wish everyone well at this time of transition, with hopes for a brighter future for all.

There is a lot to make us anxious in the world right now.  As I write this, it’s a month until the US elections, the consequences of which will be felt around the globe. Extreme weather events are happening more and more frequently.  Wars are raging that are causing millions untold suffering.  Sometimes, these feelings of anxiety feel like they will engulf us, making it hard to function in daily life.

There’s nothing wrong with anxiety.  The feelings of tenseness and nervousness, rapid breathing and heart rate, and sense of impending danger are all perfectly appropriate if we’re in the path of a Category 5 hurricane, for instance. But if we’re so knocked off balance by the anxiety that we can’t take effective action, we can’t care for ourselves or others.

There is a simple practice we can do when feeling anxious that helps us to stay centered and grounded.  We can focus on the sensations in the soles of our feet touching the earth.  We can feel the tingling, the pressure, the temperature variations that arise. We can do this if we’re standing, sitting, or walking.  We can do it with our shoes on or shoes off.  There is research that indicates doing so helps us to calm down when perturbed. 

Putting our attention on the soles of our feet is a mindfulness practice because it involves stabilizing our focus on a single object, having the effect of settling our minds.  It can be easier to do when we’re anxious than other mindfulness practices like meditating or taking deep breaths because it takes so little effort. Your feet are already there; you just need to feel them.

When we shift our focus from our apprehensive thoughts to the soles of our feet, we’re moving our attention as far away from our agitated brain as is humanly possible. We become less caught by the storyline of our dread and worst-case scenario thinking. The earth also helps us to hold some of the fear and anxiety we’re experiencing, and Mother Earth is much bigger and capable of holding difficult emotions than we are.

I’ve recorded a 5-minute practice called Soles of the Feet that can help you ground and stabilize yourself when you’re experiencing anxiety. 

After doing this practice, you may want to also bring some warmth and kindness to yourself through practices such as supportive touch or repeating some loving-kindness phrases.  You can find a variety of free self-compassion practices here.

I hope you’re caring for yourself in these difficult times.  We’ll get through this together.

To meditate or not to meditate, that is the question. The empirical answer may surprise some of you: It’s not necessary to meditate to learn self-compassion. My research shows that the more you practice self-compassion the more self-compassionate you become over time, but it doesn’t matter whether you do that with formal practice – by sitting down to meditate each day – or with informal practice – for instance by putting your hand over your heart and saying supportive things to yourself in a difficult life moment.

Having said that, regular meditation can change our brain patterns so that it’s more habitual to be self-compassionate in the moments we need it most. So meditation is helpful and worth exploring as a means of strengthening self-compassion.

A classic way to meditate is by directing our attention to our breath – over and over again. When our mind wanders off into thought, we gently bring our attention back to the felt sense of breathing. This sort of focused attention helps our thoughts and body settle and become less agitated. But if meditation feels like a boring chore and we force ourselves to do it because it’s good for us, we might inadvertently reinforce the belief that we aren’t enough as we are.

We can transform classic breath meditation into self-compassion meditation by intentionally bringing warmth to our experience and savoring the process. We do this in one of the meditations from the Mindful Self-Compassion program called Affectionate Breathing.

Instead of using our attention to focus on the breath in an effortful way, we allow ourselves to enjoy the soothing, internal rocking motion of the breath. We consciously infuse our experience with kindness and affection, so that meditating feels more like slipping into a warm bath than climbing up a steep mountain.

When meditation is enjoyable because it nourishes and comforts us, it becomes a way of meeting our needs and reinforces a sense of sufficiency and wholeness. In other words, it builds the muscle of self-compassion.

You might try doing the Affectionate Breathing meditation daily for one or two weeks as an experiment. You can also informally practice by taking a slow, affectionate breath or two whenever you feel distressed during your day.

The bottom line is that there’s no right or wrong way to practice self-compassion. If you enjoy meditation that’s wonderful but if it isn’t for you, that’s okay too. The most effective way to practice is to do whatever works best for you personally.

Normally when we’re feeling inadequate or struggle in some way, we tend to do three things.  We “over-identify” with our thoughts and emotions, meaning that we get lost in them and can’t see a bigger perspective.  We feel isolated – as if everyone else in the world is living a normal (i.e. perfect) life – and that we’re somehow abnormal and separate from others.  Then to make things worse, we criticize and judge ourselves for our sorry state.  We think we should be able to control ourselves and our situation, and that there’s something wrong with us because we can’t.

When we’re stuck in this negative spiral, our difficulties become harder as we over-react and intensify our suffering needlessly.  But if we can somehow remember to bring compassion to ourselves in such moments, we stop the negative spiral and move things in the opposite direction.  

Self-compassion has three main elements: mindfulness, common humanity and kindness. When we become aware of our pain with mindfulness, we immediately gain more perspective. When we remember that to be human means to struggle and be imperfect, we don’t feel so alone. And when we bring kindness and understanding to ourselves, our pain becomes easier to bear.

The self-compassion break is a tried-and-true method of calling up these three elements when we need them most. You might think of it as an easy-to-remember recipe for making self-compassion – one part mindfulness, one part common humanity, and one part kindness.

It’s called a break because it causes a break in our usual habitual pattern of negative responding. It also serves as a time-out to do something different, just like taking a coffee break or a bathroom break.

There are different ways to take a self-compassion break. One is through writing. In fact, the main way that researchers experimentally induce a mind-state of self-compassion in study participants is by inviting them to write three short paragraphs about a struggle they’re facing: one that brings mindful awareness to their pain, a second describing the humanity of the situation, and a third expressing warmth and kindness to themselves, like they would to a good friend they cared about. Research shows that doing so significantly reduces stress, shame, negative emotions, and even reduces cortisol. It also increases happiness and positive emotions.

Another way to take a self-compassion break is to talk yourself through the three steps either silently or out loud (if no one is listening :-). I’m including a recording of a self-compassion break here that will help you learn how to do it. The idea is to come up with language that most effectively expresses mindfulness, common humanity and kindness for you personally. Once you come up with some repeatable phrases, you can take a self-compassion break in less than a minute.

Luckily self-compassion isn’t complicated. The biggest challenge is remembering to take a break when we struggle so we can help ourselves in the moment we need it most. Practicing taking a self-compassion break regularly can make remembering easier.